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you throw out your gold teeth

Or gold shoes, unhealthy as it were.

Family reunions are all about you! Why not wear something that calls attention to you, view you, you? Let your Aunt Whatsherface from the other side of the family scoff all she wants. Someday you may be wearing the same handmade purple synthetic gown as she is, but for now ignore her indignation. Also try to forget that you already have the same Pebbles Flintstone hairstyle.

I actually bothered to curl it. And the humidity said, "AWHAWHAWHAW"

 

You can tell I am a month behind because my hair is actually purple now. I didn’t want to bombard you. ¬†Why not thank me for being considerate instead of your constant criticism? I don’t need you.

Wait baby come back let me just show you this dress I wore:

See? Wasn't it worth the needling and haranguing to stick around?

 

My dress is an early prototype of the Victorian Desserts jumperskirt by Lily of the Valley Designs, custom made to perfection. She designed the fabric print and did the illustration herself!

The gold shoes are from Second Avenue Value Thrift, and they are cowgirl shoes. Completely pointy and gold and perfect for everything except standing, walking, and sitting.

The next day I went to see Yes (and Styx. Blegh.). I should have ironed the dress, which was given to me by my cousin Mary Ellen, but honestly I was just going to sit down and wrinkle it while making fun of the bizarre teenaged sex rituals being performed by Styx fans.

Makeup is for people who want to look good! I.e., not me

 

Do you notice the patch of yellow fabric on my chest? That’s my modesty napkin, wisdom passed down to me from generations and generations of fashionable ladies! My boobs are not big enough to make that patch of lace “indecent”, but you can see my bra through it, and it’s just awkward. Fold up a nicely colored handkerchief, cram it in there, and the problem is solved! It’s also convenient for catching crumbs from all the snacks that you eat and that would normally just go down your dress. What?! That doesn’t happen to you? Shut up, yes it does.

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