The very cool thriftorama on tumblr posted this dress, and the Faux Suede Dress from Forever21, viagra on tumblr, calling it the “Worst Plus Size Item Ever Produced”, and at first I completely agreed with her.

It just looks like a featureless grey sack. But the more I looked at it, the more it made me think that perhaps this is the closest fat people could ever get to having something Jil Sander or Helmut Lang-ish made in our size. It looked kind of like the jumpsuits from 1984. We’re sort of living in a dystopia now so why not dress for it? Also it was very very much on sale and an excuse to get my boyfriend a bunch of cardigans that he looks very handsome in.

The very beautiful Denise Bidot is modeling it in a size 1x. The website lists her measurements as 5’9″ with a 41.5″ bust and a 34″ waist. I’m 4 inches shorter than her and my bust is at least five inches bigger and my waist is also many inches bigger so I’m not really sure what compelled me to order it in an XL. It looked very baggy on her and as anyone who’s ever dated me or heard me talk for five minutes can tell you, I have perhaps a slight dysmorphia in that I believe that my breasts don’t exist. I have a realistic view of myself in acknowledging I don’t have hips or a butt. I did not expect it to be in any way bodycon.

 

My boobs never usually sit that high and close without lots of peer pressure and pep talks and party drugs but in this dress there’s nowhere for them to go but up.

 

This dress is definitely a good look if you have a fetish for looking like you have been recently vacuumed. There’s a completely extraneous invisible zipper that runs up the side.

 

 

I’m usually a size 16 but I’ve recently started wearing the correct size bra, or a more correct size bra (it is not size “no breasts found”. Apparently that’s not even a size), and also I am clearly just bigger than an XL. Next time I would probably order the 1x or even the 2x if I wanted it to fit more like the website pictures. Which I sort of don’t.

 

I thought I could cover up the fit issues with a fur vest and I DID. I am a SCIENTIST OF STYLE. A PRAGMATIC GENIUS. I shed feathers everywhere I went. The vest is from a consignment store I used to work at. The boots are Frye. And my lovely Instagram boyfriend did not make fun of me for posing like that.

 

My HDR was malfunctioning. Or maybe… I was malfunctioning?

For my makeup I did a lot of it.

 

The quality is not bad? It doesn’t feel like it’s going to immediately fall apart. It stood up to a night of a person who was too big for it wearing it around and waiting for the goddamn Septa bus for 45 minutes GODDAMN IT SEPTA

I don’t know what other style applications this dress might have other than “obscured by vest”. It might look cool with my space leggings, but galaxy is sooooo over. The universe is sooo over. We’re all dead.